What’s On Your Wish List?
It’s that time of year when kids who celebrate a gift-giving holiday start to make their wish list. I remember as a little girl looking through the Sears catalog with paper and pen, dreaming of all the things I hoped to find under the tree. And I miss the days when my kids flipped through the Toys R Us flyer circling everything that piqued their interest. I loved their expressions of excitement and gratitude as they discovered what they received from their list. Those were fun days, seeing their joy, as they sat surrounded by a pile of wrapping paper, empty cardboard boxes, and new toys. Things have changed since their younger days, now they mostly ask for money or gift cards for practical items (groceries, gas, etc.). They are still grateful but it’s a different level of excitement and anticipation. The things we want as little kids clearly vary from our desires as adults.
As I conduct self-care professional development sessions with educators, one topic we discuss is about our needs and wants. Far too often as adults, especially those who work in care-giving professions, we are so focused on the needs of the ones we serve that we neglect our own. In fact, for years if you would have asked me what I needed, I would not have known how to respond. I was so out of touch with my own needs and wants. I thought it was wrong or selfish to even have needs, let alone communicate them or expect someone else to help meet them. It was natural for me to just focus on others that I neglected myself. I find this to be the case with many of the attendees of my workshops too. And this isn’t just the case with educators, it also applies to many others, including some of my close friends. In just one week, I had conversations with three friends that involved me saying the words “But what is it that you want?” It struck me how common it is for people to automatically put other’s needs above their own and/or sacrifice their own happiness for someone else’s. Please don’t misunderstand, as a social worker and mother, I’m committed to other people's happiness and wellness but not to the detriment of their own. There needs to be balance.
In those conversations, they described the internal struggle they were experiencing as they wrestled with what was “the right thing” to do. On one hand, to their credit, they had already told their loved ones what they wanted but that was met with dissatisfaction, so they then toyed with sacrificing their desires to keep the peace, deferring to their family. It’s not easy to disappoint the people you care about. Yet I believe, as much as we want to appease them, they should want our happiness as well. So what is the “right thing.” I’m not sure there is necessarily a right answer, but what I do know is it isn’t to always or consistently neglect our own needs. My encouragement to my friends was to have additional conversations and to again communicate their own wants in hopes of finding a compromise that feels mutually beneficial.
It can be challenging to identify what you want and need and even more difficult to communicate that to others especially if you suspect it may be met with disapproval. However, during this season of list making and giving, I hope you are able to slow down, take the time you deserve, identify what it is that you want so there is equal give and take which should bring you joy.