Recalibrate
If you read my blog from last month, you know we were preparing for my son’s wedding. As I’m writing this we are less than 2 weeks away from the big day. However, once this is published we will be through the special event and recuperating. My son and I have talked more in the last few weeks than we normally do, for obvious reasons. We have had some conversations that are more business focused, talking through “to do’s” and checking things off the list. Then we’ve had some heartfelt talks too. He’s shared his vows and his love for his future wife. It’s been so connecting. And there have been a couple more challenging exchanges as he feels his feelings; stress, frustrations or disappointments. One more recent phone call was about the latter. He was hurt by someone close to him and the circumstances surrounding this incident exaggerated the impact of the hurt. First, I have to say that I loved that he called me to process his emotions around this situation. As a mom of adult children it is nice to feel like they need you still sometimes. Secondly, ironically, I could relate to what he was experiencing as I had just walked through something similar. I listened as he vented and then shared the lessons I had just learned. Ultimately, he and I both needed to recalibrate. And maybe you do too.
If you are wondering what I mean when I say that, let me explain. Perhaps like me (and him) you are someone that gives a lot to others. You carry other people’s emotions with you, concerned with their well-being. You consider ways to make them feel supported or cared for. Maybe you are someone who is happy to go the extra mile for their friends and that desire comes naturally. However not everyone is like that. Some are content to receive without little thought about how it impacts the giver. Some are narrower focused and don’t necessarily consider a bigger picture or how their actions affect others. When those two different types of personalities interact it can on occasion create rifts. One person has certain expectations that differ from the other one. That’s when it’s time to recalibrate.
As Maya Angelou is famous for saying, “When someone shows you their true self, believe them.” It isn’t fair to expect someone to be who they aren’t. It also isn’t fair to expect people to be you or treat you the way you treat them. So when you see someone for who they are, recalibrate your expectations of them. Expect them to be themselves. (and decide if we are ok with that).
In those cases, it’s better for us emotionally to have more realistic expectations. It protects our own wellness to monitor our expectations and to determine how much of ourselves we will continue to give. Maybe we are ok to continue full throttle knowing it won’t be given in return. Or perhaps we rein it in a little and match their energy and commitment to the relationship or situation. Either way, we have information to make decisions that protect our health and well-being. Ultimately, being true to ourselves is what we strive for. And that could also include caring for others, but with boundaries that support our wellness.
Friends, as you enjoy quieter moments over this summer, pay attention. Are you giving more than you get? Are you ok with this? Do you have unrealistic expectations of those around you? Do they have those with you? In what ways do you need to recalibrate in your relationships? Hopefully this concept helps you protect your energy and well-being (& also your relationships) as you think about the next school year or in my case, a big special event.